On my mind

I have a hard time expressing my true thoughts to others when it comes to what I experience in my mind. Recently a friend of mine pointed out that I seem to have a "rich inner world" and I have never had my distractedness conveyed to me this way before. I identified with it immediately because I always felt like I live so much more within my own mind than I actually do in physical reality. People will be talking to me, or explaining something to me and my eyes kind of do this drifting away type of thing where the person speaking can tell I've sort of gone off elsewhere. Despite my best efforts at times to pay attention I find most everything seems to become boring after about 5-10 minutes of discussion. I don't feel like I need to have something else in my face, but I sort of retreat to my own thoughts. I begin to analyze what I am being told and the rest of the conversation goes to the wayside as my brain processes the information. Does this make sense? I have been told I'm being rude, and that I have ADHD or something like this. Keep in mind, I'm not intentionally ignoring anyone, nor do I feel like what this person is saying doesn't matter -- of course it does. Not only do I sort of drift into my own reality during a normal conversation, but I also can't repeat back what has been said to me in an exact way. My mind rearranges the words and I repeat it differently, and while my intention is to express what I've been told, it sounds different when I say it to the point where a person may not feel like I even absorbed anything that was said to me. But I have. 

Over the past few years I am compelled to look up at the sky at night, usually towards Orion. During the day, I look up anywhere I can see blue. As far as what I feel, it's more like I look up with questions on my mind.

As a teenager I had a few paranormal experiences and some I have never told any other person about. The oddest one had to do with lights and my bed shaking, I always rationalized it as, maybe it's just a small earthquake. Now as an adult I know earthquakes do in fact happen all the time, just not ones you can really feel. I never gave that particular experience much thought, nor had I voiced it to anyone until typing it now. Around the same time I remember dreaming certain vivid dreams, and seeings things while awake. For example, I remember that after just laying down one night I could hear footsteps shuffling up the stairs to my room, nobody in my house at the time wore slippers but I could hear it was very distinct and approaching the top of the stairs where my room door was closed. I know I was awake because I was consciously trying to rationalize what I was hearing, calmly ruling out the possibilities of what could be making this noise. The door physically shook on the hinges and a tall shadow entered the room. It was just a black outline of what appeared to be a head an shoulders and straight lines to the floor, it moved silently at me. I couldn't scream I just ducked under my covers and after about an hour of laying there thinking I'm protected by my covers, I pulled down the covers and nothing was there.

Around the same time, relative to months later I had an incredible vivid dream where I was in a rustic kind of shelter setting with an old man, long white beard and the whole deal. We were sitting in front of a fire "indian style" and he was chanting. There was a caged white owl suspended from the ceiling and it was flapping it's wings frantically. There was a change up of the setting and I was in a kitchen area, and turned to look back where we had the fire and the old man was dead and bleeding, a short gnome-y looking creature held this sort of wavy blade dagger weapon and was threatening me with it. The owl had escaped it's cage. I had awakened incredibly confused about that dream. I asked a local pagan store owner about it and he suggested I talk to a shaman. Never got around to that.

About 2-3 years later around age 18-19 or so I remember giving a tarot card reading to a friend. At the time I had basically been just trying to learn the card meanings and even looked them up. We were kind of just playing around with the cards as compared to the actual readings I do now. Well, as soon as I put the cards back into a pile I was overcome by this intense cool tingling feeling. I remember sort of hyperventilating a bit and then feeling like I was watching from above my body as a began to cry and tell my friend in first person how much I loved her and missed her and that I wanted to be there with her. Then it got even more strange as I felt a pull from above my body, it was like this entity borrowing me was being yanked away. The cool tingling faded away and the crying stopped. I didn't know it when it was happening to me, but it was her father who had died years before. I didn't know her father had even passed away. Again, I was totally befuddled by what happened, I wasn't trying to channel anything it just sort of happened I guess. I went to that pagan store owner and he thought I may have been empathic to spirits because of the crying and whatnot. I sort of moved on with school and a few other things happened that were relatively less intense. I do continue to have vivid dreams and I do continue to read tarot cards to this day.

Not long ago I got the impression that my third eye chakra needed to be opened, and that I blocked it myself. Recently within a few weeks ago I couldn't sleep at all, I woke up at 2:33, 3:03, 3:33, and 4:03. I could swear the night after something was moving around in the room with me, I could see the air moving around something. Last night I watched a light swirl move in my bedroom, just as I lay down to go to bed. Honestly, I have been reading the Bhagavad Gita before bed, but I didn't think it would invoke any of this type of stuff.

All of these things were sort of on my mind this morning and I felt like sharing for some reason. You could say I was compelled. Maybe I'm looking for a response like an explanation or reason these things have happened to me in the past. Maybe I'm looking for something I can do about it?

I just want to express these things because, I do try to rationalize them but sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction. I find as I learn more and more things that have happened to me aren't so rare.