29/10/1432 Thoughts & Feelings about The Diary Of A Drug Fiend Book 1

Impressions of Edward Aleister Crowley's The Dairy of a Drug Fiend Personal identification is quite a moving thing. So, I simply must tell you something from the mind of one who has had highs that compare to what is listed here. It is a thrilling read. I however, have had such without drugs or insanity. Shifting consciousness is what magick or the art & science of religion does. When we look at the divinely revealed and inspired stories and that from scholars, Aleister Crowley included, has multiple levels. Using our consciousness is certainly a way to learn about that. Look at the stories, poetry, and prose to find a way. Within that find some rules and maybe skills. Within that is the consciousness we should strive for. Aleister Crowley terms these as the Mother, Father, and Child Eras. These manifest in out own lives. This book centers on the role of drugs in the life of the users. We see why people use and how they get hooked. We see the way out or a way to deal while an addict. The spiritual side of many matters it is usually left our of is definitely touched upon. Much is to learn from such accounts. This is true no matter what level of spiritual authority you ascribe to the authors or vessels for transmission. Book i: Paradiso Chapter One: Page 3 makes the start of the problem clear by saying, "One lies about and smokes and drinks champagne." He finds himself in the presence of someone he thought pure. He had to have her. He had fantasized about being sexually degraded by a scarlet woman. Louise was just what he was looking for, but what he really needed was to be with someone good to encourage that in him. Why else would depression vanish and all slip away at the mere sight or conversation with a woman he thought innocent? There was something that could have offered his soul. The influence of a pious mate can be a sinner's great chance in this world. He did not find that righteousness in her. If you find such in someone, throw out all your intoxicating chemicals for good. You want the self mastery to be with that. Don't ever suppress the motivation arising in you from the potential of a relationship with someone that self purification makes you a better mate for. Even without them the effort is always worth it. Chapter Two: Dulled by the effects of such the gateway was opened to what they call the harder stuff. Twisted in attraction and expression of attraction through the choices of the currently legal drugs, he finds a partner who lures him with Cocaine. Like the in the Alice In Chains song Again, she thought she was using others and ended up being used a little herself. Finding that it uplifts him completely out of depression, he uses a lot before addiction has any chance to take hold. By then one knows it days before addiction is clear or atleast those who care about you may see it. I noticed it is someone the week she started something and a month before she told me I was the first to know her problem outside of the person she used with. You may still be out of your lows with those secondary uses, but it becomes more about no longer caring about what is outside of intoxication. He knew of what was happening with another and how extra drugs were added to try for some sort of wasted balance. Like other future addicts, did not heed the sufficient warning either. Of course, he was already an addict to destructive drugs ignorantly not thought to be much of a problem. Chapter Three: The joys of life begin to be attributed to the drugs when mixed with them. Common sense is thrown away quickly. How much of a danger was he because of this? Youth and enthusiasm are no excuse. Don't let this blind you. Use it for what is best for you. Love of drugs blurs with love of those you use them with. He married her and the torrent of use of even the tobacco wore off. Basing a relationship around moments changed by tobacco, alcohol, and cocaine can be good while it lasts. We really know what and who we love when we are free of all drugs. The honeymoon doesn't have to end in a way when we are sure free of such temporal matters being mixed with our concept of personal love. Chapter Four: Returning to our main characters which are referred to by the pseudonyms Peter Pendragon and Louise Lalaham, we find the honeymoon period really ending. The realization of what cocaine is and what it effects was started to hit as they needed more and more to reach the same high. Like with everything else, it was anaesthetic to their relationship. Former loves were based on silliness and play. With a touch of snow, that aspect was dulled and ignored. This was no different. Peter saw Lou as a demoness. The pain and discomfort in the body seems to go away with the cocaine. The thoughts of her and the cocaine as enemies or evil became easy to ignore too. They were disheartened by the fact that others didn't seem to be up to their speed. They couldn't use constantly, so alcohol and coffee filled in some of the blanks. They were spending at ten times their average "in more ways than one" on their cocaine honeymoon and needed help to find and afford enough. They found a friend in Gretel. One time, their new found friend and supplier them thought they might be running a bore with the sparkling white and gave them a packet of the dull white. Diacetylmorphine seemed so solemn of a drug, not the dirty tar of today that in many users finds most of its ills from impurities and added poisons. They didn't want to be like as in the Alice in Chain's song Sickman with their blood being their biggest fear, so they inhaled the chalky H. This had more social effects in that their sense of superiority was not dulled by the fact others were not experiencing the same thing. The depression and anxiety was not just numbed or exited to the point of ignoring it. It was replaced by a pure sense of calm, bliss, and how action is not necessary. He said, "Satanic pride swells in one's soul." This was happening to them even though their frequency and dose was not regular yet. Though, the poetic genius of Aleister Crowley was not used to describe this in more detail, I imagine it comes off much like the Tool song Opiate. The ability to love was diminishing. Peter felt a rage when the initial effects wore off. Working on effecting the dopamine, seratonine, and endorphin centers of the brain would have given them everything they asked for. All this and more, without the imbalances that were starting to take effect. Chapter Five: Aleister and Rose or rather Peter and Louise ran into one of Peter's older classmates. He was at the top of the game, so to say and then no one knew what happened to him. They got reacquainted and got to know about him and his woman. Something about her made him have to pay attention to her. She was intense, quite, yet detached and not one who draws you to her. Peter listened to her and thought his old classmate's partner a heroin heroine. She used for years and didn't really accomplish anything worth while. She stoped fighting it. She called it the heroin life. It was like her human life was over. She lived in a sea of sorrow and indifference. She disassociated from herself much like the way spoken of in the Alice in Chains song Am I Inside. Peter watched the shaking of withdraws of this woman and that sickness in Lou. This is a sort of sickness the terpenes in myrrh is said to help with. Drinking caused her to loose control. and that prompted his friend to warn Peter and Lou about caution with heroin and mixing it with other drug use. Only use as much of it as needed to kill the depression and then use cocaine when one needs to get something done. Why was his former classmate with such a woman? With his smoking and drinking, he really understood what it was like to be making yourself feel worse by drugs. The four knew they were in the wrong and grew to like that character trait. The two groups parted. The initial effects of heroin and cocaine worn off. Peter knew the body was trying to get rid of C. & H. It was time to sleep. It was getting harder to tell if one was asleep. Drugs were destroying the memory and thought processes. He knew even the cleaner versions of the drugs were poison. His ability to be attentive and loving to the love of his life was slipping. He knew he shouldn't go, but he had found it. He was an embodiment of the Nine Inch Nail's song Perfect Drug. He knew he had found hisperfect drug. Chapter Six: Sir and Lady Pendragon had overdone it and they knew it, but they were eachother's support. So, it was ok? They had left the place a mess. They were a mess. They thought of their situation much like one who the Alice In Chains song Godsmack can address when it says, "As the hair of one who bit you, smiling bite your own self, too." Peter's new experience of all the muscles in the body giving way was a new level of relaxation. This encouraged them further to pretended like they were ok. A bit of Heroin and a lot of cocaine helped that process. Peter's old school chum Feccles came looking for a lost cigarette case. He had a buisness opportunity. He over shot things a bit with Peter's financials, but the opportunity still was approachable. Peter Pendragon had spend a third of his years salary in half a month. Drugs and jewelry provided a shallow happiness. That is a happiness readily shattered. He had to keep his wife happy, didn't he? A man needed to provide for his wife as best as he could. A man also needed to provide for the future in a sustainable rate. Mr. Feccles offered an opportunity for an additional ten thousand a year as spokesman. These chances is what they needed. Sex, drugs, and new finery made Peter Pendragon and Louise Laleham feel like they were at the top and were willing to do what it takes to stay that way. Was this really even to the detriment of others? The seeming chance to turn five grand into a quarter million via oil didn't make that necessary as of yet. C. & H. in careful doses was the crutch keeping them up. Chapter Seven: Trying to catch that bird; Trying to stay so high; A few kilograms of C. & H. and their word; A slue of normal people termed the disgrace and too much is a lie! Peter and Louise kept on in their way trying to only use as much as is needed to stay flying high. They kept to no schedule. It isn't needed with eating, so why this? They didn't shoot up, so there was no need to measure. One can get high on 1/120th of gram of the horse. A 1/30 of a gram of snow is enough to be lethal in some, but with pounds of each at their disposal they were building quite the tolerance. After all, regular use of opium and its derivatives really increased the amount of cocaine one could endure without immediate serious side effects. They lost track of how quickly they were using. The more they used, the better they felt. They didn't want to overdo it. They only wanted to catch that blue bird of intoxication. Boy did they ever! Even eating and drinking was like in a dream. The lines between sleep and awake were almost nonexistent. Next thing you know they were down to less then a third of the five grand needed for the business venture. Their suspicions and growing dislike of others helped them to brush it off. Leave a note and move to where you can live cheeper and sustain the high was the thought. Chapter Eight: They arrived in the Alps. Waking up clean in that air was a high in itself. They felt like one with their sins being taken off. They were truly happy and naturally high. They were like in The Doors song Light My Fire: "If I was to say to you, Girl we couldn't get much higher." However they could, but they didn't seem to know it. Peter became like Adam in the Judeo-Christian version and Louise became like Eve. Eve is said to have had the suggestion first and then Adam follows suit (Adaam & Hawwaa were equal in receiving and acting out the temptation in reality). Without need or apparent use, Louise offered up the Heroin. They took it like a Protestant going through a ritual in remembrance and a Catholic with ritual sanctification. It was as religion to them. Drugs don't bring out something in you that wasn't there to begin with. Aleister Crowley had turned somewhat from that when his father died. This time Peter (Aleister) had a rush of thoughts or visions. He didn't always know the difference any more. He saw himself as a primal spiritual leader of a cannibalistic rite. He was later thrilled by the idea of animal sacrifice without an apparent reward or result. Something in a ritual can set one apart, but that is not to be done with drugs. They unexpectantly came accross Mr. Feccles, now Hector Laroche, in Rome disguised. He didn't even get the note that they didn't have the money for the deal. He took his money and made it himself. For that and bothering someone about business while on a honeymoon, he offered to help Peter when he needed it out of those profits. Feccles had a secret service job now and was on a mission. He offered to take them as part of his cover. They liked this idea. The only down side they thought, was that as Hector Laroche, Feccles was no longer allowed to use drugs beyond cigarettes and alcohol. They all understood why. A partier hardly ever does more than ignore, escape, and removes self control. This was not the case with some. A small percentage use it to make one side of themselves rule that doesn't. The Pendragons used on their own anyways. Peter and Louise were at the point where they used H. & C. in an automatic way, sometimes without always even realizing it. Chapter Nine: Peter and Louise still considered themselves on their honeymoon as they started their mission. Feccles described things while Peter was delirious and hallucinating on cocaine. A collection of animals were seen. What was their basis in fact and the personal responsibility of where the visions went? Mr. Pendragon would rather take it as mere entertainment. He though of how language proves that one must be holy to have any real understanding of what the divine is. Ultimately, we must approach into what may be called a theistic atheism to know of the reality of God like none else in anything (See Al Qoor'aan 112.3 & 4). The drug use had devolved them a bit. Something primal felt needed to be expressed. The Pendragons noticed that in each other. The urge to fight was the flaw in this honeymoon. Perhaps that is why they took on the mission. Disguised and with their finery hid away, they went on. Always act more intoxicated than one really is was part of their game. They got in a scuffle at a bar and the crowd cleared. They were arrested and their special cocaine bottle was confiscated. That was upsetting by itself. The cops found it funny how these two were craving it. They were questioned for a while and it was thought they were just harmless English, so they got away with it. After all they were known well enough to end up in the society page for their appearance. The day was quite stressful, so what did they do? A little H. to not feel their ills and some C. to give them the energy to finish the day. Chapter Ten: The Pendragons thought they were out of trouble. That was not quite the case. They were in for some more questioning. The consul had read the bit in that news paper. Aleister Crowley is so well known for climbing amoungst those who studied the history of modern ascents. He held and still has his name in the books for some of these achievements. It is no surprize that that aspect of his life would be in the book. Nor was it shocking that the gossip about him would be represented. The consul did not believe everything he read, though. When told the stories of victimization and plans for an expedition on their honeymoon were untrue, he took them at their word and let them go. It took a while, because Hector Laroche was no where to be found and thereby couldn't back up Peter and Louise's story. When they got back they found out Mr. Laroche had payed the hotel bill and left with their stuff. The whole thing was a rouse to get the money he lost in the intial con! Their passports, jewelry, and cash were gone. They were left with only the little C. and H. that remained. They just had to forget. They just had to lift themselves from the wreck they were. They didn't know how long till they could afford more. They knew they had enough Cocaine, but the Heroin was in short supply. They knew they had to use less or they would just be without. They took it, but they were as in the Alice In Chains song Down In A Hole. "I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied." They could only get back to how they felt before the hard drugs. They knew that wasn't normal, but that is all they could now achieve through the drugs. To beat addiction for good one should really only return to the good and righteous aspects of what you were before the drugs. They borrowed money to get on their feet, but getting high was their main concern. They went through the streets looking for what they needed. Another Alice in chains song, Confusion, reminds me of their situation. "Now there's time to give it all. I put my fears behind again. On skinned knees we'll crawl." Thus they were, barely making it. They had to pay prices they never had to before. They tried hard to find the good stuff, the uncut quality. They finally found it. The honeymoon had obviously been over. Love, adventure, happiness, and a sense of well being were gone. Nightmares and unpleasantness was left. They were two wasted souls clinging to eachother for dear life!